woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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