Don't make out with my wife yet
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
