I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
