i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
