Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
