i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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