my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
