there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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