i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
