tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
