What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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