the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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