Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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