she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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