im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
