i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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