did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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