So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
