I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
