The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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