Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
