i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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