Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The air was thick with penises
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
