I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
