Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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