he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
