Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
