Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
