if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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