On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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