I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
