I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
