You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My ATM looks so different sober.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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