After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
