I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
