funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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