i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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