how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
this beer tastes like vomit already
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
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For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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