I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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