1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love accidental penises.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
