I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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