Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
