4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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