why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
