I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
