i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
