So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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