I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
