Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i think i have two assholes
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
