I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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