if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize