if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
