it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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