david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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