Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
