so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
