FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
