I bet he comes in French.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
