hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
