ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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