I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
