so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
