According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
