If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra