What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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