I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize