Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Who died my cat blue again?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
